Thomas Green here with Ethical Marketing Service. On the podcast today, we have Danny Greeves. Danny, welcome.
Hello. Thank you very much for having me. How’s things?
Things are going very well. Thank you. Lots of work to be done. And just continuing to learn and move forward sounds positive. Would you like to take a moment and tell the audience a little bit about yourself and what you do?
Yes. So I’m a background confidence and mindset coach and I’m the founder of a program called Speak Up and Stand Out, which is essentially a vehicle to help people who have got lots of skills and lots of knowledge just to be able to broadcast their message to a wider audience, share their message with more people. Okay, well, topic of discussion today, if you’re happy with it, is confidence. Happy to talk about this? Absolutely good. Well, so that we’re all on the same page. What is confidence we can think about? Confidence is kind of being divided into two separate camps. So we’ve got self-confidence, which is the faith, the trust that you have in yourself and your qualities.
And then we have situational confidence, which is how competent you feel in a given activity. So often people will mix these two up, which blurs the lines quite a lot. But if we can separate them into the two camps, then we can think is it about you and how you feel about yourself or actually is it just about the task that you’re doing and how you feel about the task. So when you have self-confidence, it’s about your self-esteem and how you feel about yourself. And when you have situational confidence you feel right? I’ve got the skills to do this, I’ve got the expertise to do this. It’s a very good point. It’s one of the things which I’ve actually only learned recently, which is people tend to say they lack confidence in something. but in actual fact, you know, it’s just the competence issue there and if they were more competent than they’d feel more confident, absolutely confidence is one of those umbrella terms that we tend to say we lack when it actually covers a lot of different topics, a lot of different subjects and competences is a big one.
I have some questions, some kind of what I like to think of as like generalist questions, courtesy of the lovely people at kora. if you’d like to take a crack at them, the first one is why do we need confidence? When we think about needing confidence? Really, it comes down to how would you like to feel about yourself? So it’s not a case really of needing confidence. It’s more a case of you have everyone has a choice in terms of how they feel about themselves, but actually to be able to make that choice, you need to have the tools to be able to understand how your mind works, how you work at certain things, your behaviours, your habits, attitudes. So I think more people find that by having confidence they’re able to reach the next level they’re able to go for the next goal the next step. So the more confidence you have, the further you’ll go towards realising what it is that you want. And I think everyone will agree we kind of, we want the things that we want, we want to achieve our goals.
We want to achieve our dreams and confidence is something that makes that process smoother and easier. So it’s based on the outcome that you’re going for. Basically, one of the things that I commonly see when speaking to people is they say I want more confidence. But actually what they want is the outcome and confidence is the vehicles that helps them to get the outcome. So it’s often helping too often helpful to reframe it and actually think, okay, what is the outcome we’re looking for? And then we can see that actually, confidence helps us get that more effectively. And how does one become more confident? Well, we can bring it back to those two elements. So, your self-confidence is basically the sum total of your perception of all of your past experiences. So the past experiences that include you that include those around you and your interactions. So the more events that you have in your past that you perceive to be negative or painful or traumatic or somehow holding you back, the less self confidence that you’ll have when it comes to situational confidence, it’s purely about how much practice you have, how much expertise you have and how much skill you have.
So we need to think about, it essentially is two different things. And the first question is, if you’re lacking confidence, identify which camp it is, do you doubt yourself or do you question yourself worth or is it that you just need more training, learning or guidance? And then that can actually narrow it down quite quickly. And the brain loves specificity. So when we can pick out a specific problem and we can start working on it, then we can get our progress much quicker. A good word. I like specificity. Oh yes, yeah. So the next one is about being socially confident. do you distinguish between, I mean you mentioned the fact that it has to be specific, but do you distinguish confidence principles between one area and another? Or is it universally applicable? There will certainly be different context. So, social anxiety, which is kind of the negative side of lacking social confidence is all about your perception of yourself in terms of others.
There was a really, really interesting piece of research in, I think it was 2019 by someone called Schiller, I think that’s how you pronounce it anyway. But essentially, they were looking at how the brain maps your hierarchy in terms of your social standing. So there are cells in the brain called grid cells and there are cells in the brain called place cells and what these do is they actually create a hierarchy, essentially a food chain of where you see yourself. So if you’re around other people and you perceive them to be more intelligent, more better looking, wealthier or any one of those things, your brain literally positions them above you. So from a chemical perspective, you’re in a position of feeling like pray because you’re worried about those above you and that leads to anxiety lacking confidence and problems with sort of socializing. We then look at the flip side if you look down on someone and say you’re better than them or wealthier or more intelligent, your brain positions you above them and then you’re more likely to project your ideas down on.
So it’s a really cool thing to say and to think about in terms of are you looking at them eye to eye? So heart to heart essentially, have you put them up on a pedestal or have you put them down in the pit? And if you’re feeling anxious, the likelihood is you’ve got other people up above you and it’s really hard to feel confident if you’re looking up to them and they’re looking down on you. What’s the way to counter that? One of the ways is to find out specifically will bring in specificity again, what is it about those people around you that you think they have, that you lack. So it will come from a position of lack when we see someone demonstrating something that we admire or that we like and that we think we lack it, then we put them up above us. But in reality it’s a case of actually finding what they have and then owning it within yourself because we all have all the traits but because of everyone has different value systems, sometimes we judge others as being better without actually really going in and doing the work to find out.
Okay, what does all of that include? Because there’s often a lot more to it than the tiny snapshot that we get. I think it’s Earl Nightingale and he would say you’re not superior or inferior to anyone because there’s no one else like you. Yes, exactly. Yes. So we all have different value systems. So we’re all on exactly the same plane. But because we’re human and we tend to judge things quite quickly. Our perception goes up and down. But just lovely quote. It’s all equal when we can own our own individuality and what other behaviours other than that of course, of a confident person. I believe confidence to be the vehicle towards self-expression. So when you feel confident, you feel comfortable in sharing your ideas, sharing your opinions, sharing your thoughts and actually doing what you want to do when you lack confidence, you’re worried about what people will say, you’re worried about what people will think.
And so you hold things back for me being confident is all about being able to express yourself. And if we come back to that quote from a couple of moments ago, there isn’t anyone else like you, but you need to have the confidence to be able to express yourself to actually really realise that. And there’s a lovely quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson, which is imitation. Also envy is suicide. And imitation is just as bad. So whenever we try to end the and imitate other people, we sort of minimise ourselves and we lower our confidence. It’s interesting, have you got any thoughts on the difference between confidence and overconfidence? Yeah, so overconfidence is essentially where we inflate ourselves. We take an idea or we have a belief. And rather than viewing both sides of the equation, we look at only the positives and then we puff ourselves up. So when we go into that self-righteous or we go into that overconfidence, then really we haven’t thought things through.
We haven’t seen it from both sides. And actually we’re only dealing with a little bit of the information and there’s a lovely thing, I’m not sure if you heard it called Tall Poppy syndrome, which is essentially when we get too big and too puffed up, even the people around us, or the events around us will bring us back to down, bring us back down to earth. So overconfidence is a learning process because we all do it from time to time and then once we see actually the both sides of the equation, then we come back to being more grounded. I can’t help but notice the book in the background, Tony Robbins helped you with confidence. He is one of the sources that I use to actually change my energy. So I think one of the great things, Tony Robbins is sort of just inspiring at is changing the energy of the people around him. So moving them from a maybe a low sort of depressed or anxious state and actually moving them to being inspired and energised.
So he has lots of different things and some of them, you know, I agree with more than others. But the one thing that I do admire is that ability to change someone’s state because when you’re in that higher energy inspired state, then you’re going to take action and when you take action you’re more likely to get what you want. Do you use any of the principles or tactics that he uses himself? I would say I used more of them earlier on in my journey. So he’s got some really, really helpful sort of NLP tools which are really helpful in terms of reframing events and changing your attitude and your approach to things and I would say that in my toolbox, but more I appreciate him now for his sort of speaking ability For his ability to inspire via words rather than sort of some of the techniques that he uses which are obviously effective because he feels a room of 100,000 people and they all come back. So he does something right? Well the public speaking is actually something I noticed which coincides with confidence because people want to appear confident when their public speaking.
Have you got any thoughts on that topic? Absolutely. So I’ve actually got I’m running a speaking night this evening to actually help people build a bit of confidence in terms of speaking. So public speaking, the thing that draw me draw me to it initially was a couple of quotes by Warren Buffett. So he said don’t expect to manage money until you can manage your emotions. So that’s being able to actually clear that baggage and feel more confident and the best investment you ever made was in public speaking. I think Warren Buffett’s he’s in his 80s and he’s definitely doing something right? So that is something that drew me towards public speaking and actually getting a little bit of practicing it and doing things that scared me a little bit actually helped me to see that when I talk about what I know I can speak quite confidently if it’s an area I don’t know much about then immediately my public speaking drops so that’s a lesson to stick to what you know and share that and then build on it as you go.
He actually took a Dell Carnegie class I think it was. Have you done any Dell? Yes, I’ve got a couple of books up on my bookshelf over there and I’ve actually, I’m really listening at the moment to how to win friends and influence people. So that’s just a nice easy listen, that actually is a good one to reboot some of those easy to follow principles. It’s a classic. Absolutely. It did take me quite a while to get to it actually, I’d seen it and it had been sitting on the shelf for quite a while and it’s one of those things that I need to read that and then I actually started it and I was like, yeah, okay, I can see why so many people like it when you talk about the topic of confidence, Do you ever find that some people have some misconceptions about it? The biggest misconception is this idea that it sort of is an umbrella idea that if I have confidence then I’d be better and it’s this sort of if then idea, but actually a lot of people haven’t taken the time to, first of all decide how will they know that they’re confident.
There’s a lot of time. We’ll base it on feelings, but feelings are transient, they’re quite short-lived, they’re quite temperamental. So what I prefer to do is sort of demystify the idea of confidence in terms of feelings and then actually look at what are the actions that you want to take. The other biggest misconception is around the idea that people confident people, if you like a confident all the time, which is just I’ve never met anyone who is confident all the time. We all have areas where we feel more confident and we all have specific moments where we demonstrate confidence, but actually we all have the other side and having a fantasy, if you like of when I’m confident everything will be easier is usually a fairly tough one to break because actually it just brings it brings different problems because you’re going for different things.
Have you got any thoughts on sort of catching yourself? maybe feeling unconfident about something I suppose in order to give you some context there are times when you get that little voice in your head or you know, maybe I can’t do something and sometimes it’s quite, you have to be quite conscious to notice it. Have you got any thoughts about that? This is this wasn’t mine. So I’ll share the credit. It was someone called Jeremy who wrote this piece and it was just a really, really nice way and I thought, oh actually I’m going to keep hold of that and it was around the idea of when you’re speaking to yourself, start to pay attention to basically the sliding scale. So if you go up and then you start talking about things as being all positive and all wonderful. Then you move into a more inflated elevated state and then your language starts to turn into our this is going to be the best, this is going to be the most wonderful thing ever, and I’m going to be brilliant at it.
And then on the other side of the spectrum, when we’re lacking a bit of confidence will tend to say things like I can’t do it, I’m not able to do it, this won’t work. So we tend to fluctuate between the high and the low when we turn the low moments into learning points. So for example, I’m still practicing this, I’m still getting better at it. This is a long-term project, then we ease some of the negative feelings and then when we think about the elated version, then we can think about some of the challenges that are coming up and some of the things that we need to do to bring us back down. So it does start with paying attention to how you’re talking to yourself and then just shifting your language into a more reality based system. So if you’re doing something for a first time or you don’t have much guidance or you’re still learning the chances of you dropping in I don’t know how to, it won’t work, is quite tempting. But reframing it through that more reality based thinking is a way to actually just manage your emotions a little bit easier.
That’s a really good answer because my perception is that you can’t really pay attention to every single thought that is running through your mind all the time. But if you if you’re looking out for language, like you say those the extremes, there’s probably a bit easier to catch it. And you say that’s right. Yeah. Because I’ve never really been convinced by the research because actually when I tried to find the research, it doesn’t look like it actually exists. But some people say you have 10,000 thoughts a day. Some people say you have 30,000 thoughts today. And there isn’t really any tangible evidence to say how much to it. But I think we can all agree we have a lot of thoughts each day. So looking out for certain tag words is the easiest way into finding out. Okay, where are they showing up? And in what context when it comes to certain words to look out for the ones I recommend. People look out for are essentially generalisations. So always every never no one nothing.
When we’re using that type of language, we’ve moved into black or white thinking, which means we’re less flexible, were less able to adapt and our nervous system feels it because we’ve even got the foot on the accelerator or the foot on the brake rather than being able to judge a little bit. So looking at the tag words as an easy way in. I’m interested to know what your thoughts are in relation to what you said about having your foot on the accelerator. I can see if you’re, let’s say super confident at least in a let’s say you’ve got it in a particular area for that particular moment. I can see it in some instances being quite beneficial and in other areas maybe you needing to, I don’t know have some sort of backup plan in place, but I think some people would advocate, you know, as much confidence as you possibly can in a particular area like I don’t know, sports or something, you know, to the point where you’re almost faking yourself out any thoughts on that.
I think the fake it till you make it type approach is sometimes unhelpful short term strategy. Sometimes we just need a tactic or we need something that we can use to actually change the way that we feel to get a better result. The one probably that I use most often in terms of fake it till you make it one or a tactic is based on the Ted Talk by Sara Cody where she gets people to go into the wonder woman pose and then holds the pose for two minutes and then what they found is that it causes a slight change in your testosterone. So that’s a way of using your body to change your physiology to change the way you feel. So I certainly wouldn’t say those type of tactics are wrong or bad, but I say if you’re relying on them over the long term then you’re probably going to get caught out at some point. So using it when you need it is great. The better question is actually finding out what the fear is behind it and actually clearing that because when that fears you’ll have something more sustainable and it will be more genuine and lasting.
So you advocate balance essentially. Yeah, if you could, if I could sum up everything in one sentence, I think you’ve just done it for me. I have a tendency to do that. Do you have any mentors around the topic of confidence or maybe another way of putting it as do you look at someone you like? Yeah, that’s the person I want to model in terms of confidence. I look at a variety of people. So for example, when I think about who I work with, I have someone who, who is a coach and mentor in the specific tools that I use. So she’s been doing it for much longer than I have. So actually it’s really helpful to learn from there. So I take little bits from there. There is a teacher and speaker that I admire, particularly for those elements, we’ve got Tony Robbins in terms of that energising. So I almost cherry pick certain features from the people that are around me and then work on developing those because I think that’s probably the easiest way to do it.
Generally speaking, would you say you’re a confident person? I would say generally I have high self-confidence, but there are certainly tasks, moments and periods where that drops, so that’s kind of fitting in with that idea of we all have both sides and actually when we accept that and say, and sometimes I’m going to be confident, sometimes I’m not going to be confident, then that takes some of the pressure off and actually I spend more of my energy on doing the things that helped me to feel confident and then I try to delegate or minimise the rest. So over time, I’m starting to do more and more of what actually makes me confident. So I grow in confidence when we’re doing all of the things at once, then we don’t really build up any momentum so we stay sort of stuck a little bit, whereas when we can focus on, okay, this is what I want to do, this is where I want to go and I build my life around that, then that gives us more scope to actually build confidence and presumably that wasn’t always the way, so that’s improved over time, What’s just to follow?
Absolutely was not always the way how does that change things for you? I essentially the reason that I didn’t plan to go into coaching, I didn’t plan into helping people to change the way that they feel mentally. My background was actually as if easier. So I was just interested in like, I love the nervous system, so that was kind of an area of interest, But from the age of like 10 or 11, like I just wanted to be a physio, like a football fan as well, so seeing the physio run out onto the pitch, that was one of the things that I really like to do that. But actually in my personal life, one of the things that I really struggled with was relationships, that was the thing that I just lacked the most confidence in. it was something that I really struggled to just get any progressing and that was the area where I beat myself up, I was sort of criticise myself and then I start to try to fit in with other people rather than actually be who I wanted to be.
And it was after going on a physio based course where I came into contact with a neurosurgeon, who had actually spent some time, a lot of time actually researching what certain emotions due to the physical body and I was like, oh okay, this this is fascinating and we were able to go through and find out what emotions do, what things to the body. And there was one particular class that was all about emotions and he would ask someone in the class to go up to the front and talk about the most painful experience they’ve ever had. My friend went up and he was sort of talking about his painful experience. So I started to get a little bit teary. So he then went your next. So then I went up and then within a few minutes I was bawling my eyes out in front of the class and he was like, you have some emotional stuff to deal with. So it was that moment that made me think, okay, I need to go and see someone about this.
I had one session with a coach that just blew my mind. I met my fiancé 10 days later and then I was like, okay, there’s something to this coaching thing. And then from there I just dived headfirst Well, that’s a great story. I mean, I’m on the one hand, I would like to kind of move on to my next question, but the other hand, I kind of feel like it would be a disservice to not follow up on what you said about the painful moment. I mean, are you happy to share what the story? Yeah. So at the time when I was in front of the class, I didn’t have any moment come to mind. I was just sat at the front, 20 people looking at me feeling quite blank And then all of a sudden, just a moment popped into my head and it was just when I was about 11 and it was when my parents separated, but I hadn’t thought about in years, it wasn’t something that had consciously bothered me, but obviously it was sitting in the background and it was just like this emotional grenade that when it came up it went.
So that was, it was a surprise to me, just as much as it was to everyone else, and that’s why I left that class thinking like where did that come from? And that then led me on to figuring out just what other stuff was there? Okay, well, I mean I can relate, so I have that exact thing as well. so I feel your pain a little bit if it were the case that someone was, they say you have, you have obviously have expertise in confidence and someone you care about, like you just bumped into them and they were like, you know, they obviously didn’t have long, but they’re like, I’m really struggling with my confidence and you know, a bit about that. So what would you say in the short amount of time that you had with them, a few things that you’d recommend, What would you say if I had a short amount of time, then the first thing that I’d recommend is whatever they’re doing to make sure that they’re actually doing the practice element to make sure they’re actually doing the parts that they control and they’re doing it regularly.
So I just kind of tick that box first just to make sure that’s being done when it comes to the way that you feel about yourself. The problem really is that there isn’t something that is just a quick fix to that issue because it actually takes a little bit of reflection. It does take a little bit of work and it actually takes a bit of courage to go to the place that, you know, is a little bit scary. So it’s less of a it’s less of a idea of actually just being a quick fix and it’s actually maybe asking people questions to find out if they can connect to where the sources. So, a lot of the time will be unconscious of where it actually comes from, and we’ll just have the feelings and as I mentioned, feelings of transient their nebulous. So it’s hard to get ahold of when we can go, ok, what is it that you’re experiencing and where does that come from? Then we can start to join some of the dots and then we can start to actually do a little bit of work.
So, it’s probably not quite the answer you were looking for in terms of quick tips. If we were looking for a very specific tactic, then I would use one of the okay, fake it till you make it type things or practicing body language, practicing poses, practicing speech into yourself differently. But if it’s something deeper, then glossing over it is something that it kind of does the other person a disservice because actually you can actually leave them on a path to explore. And that’s where they get all of their own insights. So one of the things I did learn very early on as I was being a coach is that my mindset was I’ve got all of these tools, if someone’s got a problem, I’m going to coach them and I’m going to help them. And I found out quite quickly that people don’t really want that they don’t really take kindly to that. So just open a dialogue and start asking questions and that then allows them to lead the way. And that’s the way that I’ve found works a lot more effectively.
Mm sort of reminds me of, you know, the first part of that is trying to come up with a surface level solution to a deeper problem. so sort of like self-knowledge, have you heard that phrase? Yes. Yeah. and then what you’re referring to sort of reminds me of therapy, do you feel like a little bit like your therapist sometimes? Sometimes, definitely. Although I have quite different boundaries in terms of the way that I approach things. So one of the things that I perceive therapy does is that it allows people to go into their story too much. Whereas actually our stories are often biased, they’re skewed, They’re highly emotive and actually there sometimes missing quite a lot of information. So whereas I definitely do feel like a therapist sometimes I’m quite firm in terms of we don’t need all of the back story, we just need little bits of information and we can work with those, that’s all we need.
So yes, to the therapy, but I have to make sure that anyone that I work with knows that it’s not going to be a case of I’m going to sit and listen to all of the story because I don’t think that helps either of us. So Danny about my childhood. Yeah, that type of thing. Yeah, Yeah. well, some of the other examples of when you stood up in front of everyone, what was the typical theme there, I’m interested to know what people – I suppose without going into dark details -what the themes around what people’s painful moments where a lot of the time it was revolving around something to do with family that tended to be the main theme, there is a public speaking coach who who’s in America, who helps you to sort of pinpoint certain moments and the way that he describes it is that basically our formative years are like the first act of the play and then as we grow older then we get the later act and what we find is there’s usually a lot of that emotion stored in those early acts because that’s when mentally we’re still developing, we don’t have the toolkit, we don’t have the understanding, we don’t have the perspective.
So a lot of the time when we’re in that family dynamic, that family environment, that’s where we can perceive the most pain to be, because we spend our most time with them, it’s our deepest connection. So I would say without a doubt it was that the family connection is the foundation of those painful moments until they’ve been dealt with. And so human beings, they look at their upbringing, their family moments and they make conclusions based on that and that kind of influences what their confidences as an as an adult, essentially. Yeah, and I think the key word is making assumptions and going along with those perspectives that they haven’t really challenged. So just as you described it there a lot of the time we go through so much time without challenging the beliefs and the stories that we’ve created, ah we can just get swept up in it, whereas when we actually take the time to challenge them and we look at things differently, then the story unfolds and we get a different outcome.
And let’s say someone is watching this and they’re thinking about going back to that moment, that painful moment or many painful moments for that matter. What would you advise that they do during that process? I actually created a tool for this which are sort of what I work with my clients and I call it the snowball technique because what I found is when someone tries, if they don’t have the skill set and the tools and they don’t really know what they’re doing when they go to a big emotional event, it’s too overwhelming to deal with. Like it’s too much to deal with. So what I recommend is actually starting the other side, So starting with events that were a little bit uncomfortable, a little bit painful and then actually asking the questions of what did you learn from it, how did it benefit you? How’d it help you grow? What were the advantages of having that experience? How did that make you more responsible? All of those questions that actually allow you to frame it in terms of a learning experience.
Once you’ve done that with a couple of smaller ones and you can actually go, okay, I’ve got a bit of practice doing this, I know what I’m looking for, then you can go towards the bigger ones and you can feel more confident in actually taking on the issue. So what we want to do with bigger events is we don’t in any way want to pretend that the negatives don’t exist that the pains weren’t there, there were drawbacks because that’s just not reality based, but what we do want to do is transform it so we can use it moving forwards. So turning it into a learning experience is the most effective way of releasing the emotions and actually moving it forward to help fuel you rather than hold you back. So start small. I’d say start small and then build up. So what happens if well the perception is that you can’t see those positive things in that negative event. I would say in 95% of the sessions I do at some point, the client will go, there were no positives, there were no benefits almost.
And I’m the same if I’m receiving coaching because we’re all blind to where our blocks are. So the most helpful thing I could say there is rather than looking at it of if there were positives set your mind set of what are the positives. So you’re not going in with an uncertainty of thinking. I wonder if there was any positives go in there with the knowledge that actually there are positives or there are benefits and benefits don’t need to feel good. I think that’s important to point out sometimes something that actually pushes you to grow might be uncomfortable. But actually in terms of your personal evolution, it’s a benefit and there’s lots of information and literature about post-traumatic stress disorder. So PTSD. But what there’s more research coming out for and there’s more momentum is post traumatic growth and that’s the process of turning things that were painful into something that helps you grow.
So the mindset shift is not if it’s just where and when you go in with the wear approach, you can dig past that resistance and there will be resistance, but you can dig pastor until you actually find the answers. Do you think one of them might be um, you know, dealing with something tough when you’re young may come in handy later on down the line. Whereas if you get, I mean it’s the silver spoon thing, right? If you get wrapped up in cotton wool during your prior years and you set and you face tough times later on down the line, it may have more of an impact maybe. Yeah, it’s definitely one of the advantages and everyone is just like knowing you can rely on yourself so you can sell soup, you can get through it. You reach out for help. There’s so many advantages, but you do need to be able to look for them. And I think a nice illustration of this is the more you perceive something to be lacking, the more driven you’ll be to get its opposite.
So, you know, there’s so many stories about people who have like no money growing up, they had like there was not enough money to buy food. Like rent was a struggle. Their parents really struggled with all those elements and that gave them just an incredible determination to actually grow up and create wealth and actually to, to create a financial position that they actually really enjoy saying with family. There’s people who perceive that they didn’t have a father figure or their mom was absent and then when they grow up actually, their highest priority is creating a loving family. So we can see that pain can be converted into something that’s meaningful. If we if we really looked great point certainly applies to me anyway. in the examples that we had, I didn’t know this was gonna be such a such a meaningful episode. Talk about what you say, you know, putting your hands on your hips and all that, right?
I’ll try and do a bit of both. Do you enjoy talking about this stuff? Yeah, I do. Yeah. It’s it’s something that I like to learn about. I like to experience and it is mostly a journey of having experienced it coming from the other side. Where before I just couldn’t see it to then actually experiencing it and seeing the other side. And then it’s a case of like there are so many people who are stuck with certain perceptions or certain attitudes and actually the process to change that is quite reliable. It’s quite systematic that you can work through. So actually sharing that is something that I find meaningful is the word mm rewarding. Have you got any I mean obviously you don’t have to give details but if you’ve got any favourite coaching moments where you’ve really made an impact on someone, There’s a couple of moments that immediately sort of spring to mind and it’s the same pattern in both of them actually.
And I was working with, they were, they were both ladies actually, but in the session they had just minimised themselves to such a degree where they were putting everyone up above them and they were really talking harshly to themselves, criticising themselves blaming themselves. And then when we cleared the moment, that was the cause like without any queues, then their body language changes, they sat taller, they sat sort of broader if you like, and they just take deep breaths in. So one of the things that I love the most is seeing that nonverbal change when like if they’re not controlling it, they’re not thinking of it. But actually their body language shows me that are actually that bit of work is done. And the other side is just when it brings, when it brings a tear to someone’s eye. That’s like a lovely moment as well.
I can imagine Danny. What are your goals?
My goal is around my speak up stand out program. It’s something that I’m delivering at the moment and it’s the by far and away, the thing that I’ve enjoyed the most and it’s actually helping give people a platform to share their voice. So what I’ve noticed is as being a coach, a lot of the time my role is to help them make a change, which then gets them to be really appreciative of me, which is wonderful. But the speak up stand out is actually about putting more of the spotlight on my clients and actually helping then share their message more. So my goal is it’s I’m keeping it small at the moment. So I would love to build that to probably about four times the size. And I’ve got a goal in about three or four years to turn it into like a Ted X type event where people come and actually share their thoughts and actually get rewarded for sharing their ideas. So I’ve kind of got a nice trajectory in my head mm an event where people show up an event where people show up.
Yes, as most as I love the online world and I actually do a lot of work online. it is sometimes a case of just want to be around people just have that connection. Is there anything that you feel that would be of value, which I haven’t asked you about today in terms of when we think about confidence, it offers to think about where we could add value. I would think about helping someone to be more flexible. So there, I’m not sure if you’re familiar with someone called meta programs. It’s basically like an NLP concept and it basically breaks our behaviour down into about 42 different pounds and four of the patterns when they combine will lead to anxiety stress and low confidence. So the first one is when you’re focused on a problem. The second one is when you’re inside your own head and you continue to focus on the problem.
The 3rd 1 is then while you’re inside your head thinking about the problem, you start to think about all the different ways that it could go wrong. And then the 4th one is that you use your own feelings to decide how things are going to go. So you’re focused on problems, you’re in your own head, you’re not getting feedback from the outside world and you’re thinking about all the different worst case scenarios. So if you notice those four patterns, do anything to get out of them, so go speak to someone, go, do some proactive exercise, ask for some advice, watch an inspirational video, but just look out for those four patterns because when you’re in them it’s quite difficult to get out. But when you notice that then you can make the change a lot quicker. So that’s probably just a little bonus thing that I’d add in ticket focus.
Thank you very much for all the value today. Have enjoyed the conversation, Danny Grieves. Where’s the best place for people to find you?
The best place to find me is at www.dannygreevescoaching.com. So I’ve kept it nice and simple. Just follow me to the website and there’s a free coaching course, there are some free audios and there’s just some more information. So that’s probably the easiest way to find me.
All right. Thank you very much.
Thank you very much for having me.