Train Your Mind With Darcy Luoma

Thomas Green here with Ethical Marketing Service. On the podcast today, we have Darcy Luoma. Darcy, welcome

Thanks Tom, it’s great to be here.

It’s great to have you. Would you like to take a moment and tell the audience a little bit about yourself and what you do?

I’d love to I own a company that focuses on creating high performing people and teams by solving their people problems. And we created a model called thoughtfully fit, and that’s the framework that we use to be able to create some new awareness with individuals, teams, executives organisations, around what are the top obstacles that get in the way of being high performing.

Okay. I must admit when I first, you know, did my prep on your sites and everything like that, I was like, it makes total sense that, you know, you should train your mind and not just your body because people always say that they’re connected, but at the same time it’s in reference to working out so that you feel better and not the other way around. But I didn’t think about it as applied to a team. So what your thoughts there?

Yes, we do a lot of thoughtfully fit training and coaching with teams as well, because so as you know, as you just said, it’s about being able to train your mind, you can show up thoughtfully in any situation and if you do, you’re going to have better results. And so instead of something happens on your team, somebody says something that triggers you instead of reacting impulsively back um, and sort of adding flame, adding fuel to the fire. You can pause in that moment and think and respond and act thoughtfully. And it’s not that there’s not conflict because the highest performing teams have a lot of conflict. It’s healthy, respectful conflict instead of toxic conflict. And that’s where thoughtfully that teams can be higher, higher, higher performing because they aren’t distracted by.

Okay, now that, you know, now I just add fuel to the fire and now we can’t even talk about the strategy and the innovation and the business, whatever it is because we’re both so angry and triggered that were not effective in our conversation. I really like the pause because I think there’s some crossover, I think with, I’ve heard people say that in meditation that you learn a pause through the practice of meditation, but I think just having that as a practice I think is going to be beneficial for a lot of people. Do you add it to um, all types of scenarios or is it just doesn’t just revolve around conflict for you. So you could say positive things happening or decision-making processes. Do you always take a pause? Yes, absolutely. And you’re right, there’s a lot of research that shows the value of pausing of meditating of quieting the mind. And so when you look at the thoughtfully fit model, there’s six practices and those aligned with the six biggest hurdles that I have seen my client’s experience, I’ve coached thousands of individuals and teams and I started to notice that there’re some themes they all have similar problems, different players, different scenarios, different details but the core problems the essence are all the same.

Three of those problems are internal and three are external. And that’s what’s the model for thoughtfully fit at the core is where you focus on your choices and what you control. And the core of the model is three steps. You pause and then think and then act wash, rinse, repeat as needed. So it doesn’t matter if you’re looking for having more balancing your relationships so that you can balance what you want need with what I want need, right? So there’s less conflict or if you are trying to respond more effectively when you’re blindsided or if you’re trying to overcome some obstacles when you’re stuck, regardless of what the hurdle is. You always go back to the core, which starts with the pause. Okay. And can you, just for context, can you give me an example of like when people contact you and what their problems are and sort of how you help them? Yes. So we’ve got the B two B in the B two C on the on the, I’ll start with the BDC. So individual will contact us because they want to uh be more high performing and something’s getting in the way oftentimes.

And so that’s so oftentimes individuals will come to us for individual coaching, whether it’s life coaching, leadership, executive coaching, I don’t care what you call it, it’s all the same thing. You want to create some new awareness and have the ability to create some intentional actions and have accountability and support to get there, right? Coaching is all about looking forward. Where do I want to go? Whereas oftentimes therapy is more looking at the past and healing and recovering from something. So it’s a different lens. And on the individual front it’s usually either there’s a pain that they can’t quite get past, like, oh, I’m stuck and they want coaching or there is a vision, a dream, a goal they have and they don’t know where to start. And then on the B2B side, it’s not uncommon Thomas for somebody to contact us from an organisation. It might be the HR director, it might be the president, it might be, it doesn’t matter who it is, there’s oftentimes a presenting problem where they’ll say we’ve got really good people there technically fabulous whether it’s a physician or manufacturing or health care.

It doesn’t matter the industry, they’re really good, but we’re not communicating well and there isn’t trust on the team and there’s a lot of conflict and we’re finding that it’s getting in the way of us really being able to achieve our goals and I say a lot of times there’s a presenting problem, then we will do is go in and do a team assessment and then we’ll learn okay. What, what’s the real problem? The presenting problem. Oftentimes isn’t really what’s underneath and what’s the real problem? Did you do any work in communication? And personality types? Because I often find – and you’re probably more informed about this than I am – but my interpretation is that a lot of these issues between teams conflict are actually communication issues and what one person sees as insulting is another person’s – I don’t know – joke or whatever it might be. What are your thoughts on that?

100%. You just named it, right Thomas, if there’s one bottom line, there’s lots of issues, lots of problems. But that’s really what gets in the way of creating all sorts of problems that prevent teams from being high performing. And so if we simplify it, Yeah, everybody has a different personality, a different preference, a different style. So if you have somebody on the team who is a visionary, they’re really creative and innovative and they’re great at, you know what we should do and they are with a team of somebody else who is the analyst. They like details. They like numbers. They like to be in the weeds. Those two styles can really butt heads if there isn’t, uh, an acceptance and flexibility and an understanding just like you, you might have somebody who is a closer right? They want to get it done. They’re all about the outcome and somebody else on the team might be more of a nurturer there about the process, not the outcome is everybody’s voice is heard. Are we making sure that this is inclusive? And so what the research shows is the highest performing teams have diversity of all those styles.

If they can get beyond the conflict, that’s created by having those different styles. Because if you had a team that was all visionaries, you’d have all these fabulous ideas, but probably and not a lot of them would get done. Does that make sense? Yeah, perfect sense. I can imagine you going into an organization and like being okay, you’re this person, you are in this category, you have to watch out for you because you’re going to be in conflict with that person. And the only absolutely. And the only, the only shifter that I would that I would offer is instead of me telling them one of the things we do, whether it’s in person or everything now we do the last whatever, 14 months have been, has been by zoom is we have people self-identify and like if we’re in person we’ll have them go to the wall that says, okay, I’m a primary visionary and then somebody else on the team will go to the wall that says I’m a closer and then so you’re standing there and looking and we’ve got ways we do it in the zoom room that’s really interactive with a with a jam board, right?

And all of a sudden you see the bells go off, like no wonder Thomas and I always butt heads. Oh my gosh, I never thought of it that way because really what we’re working to do in my business is help the client create new awareness because when you have new awareness, you have access to different actions. I mean, you touched on, you just sort of gave me a question that I can ask now from your answer you touched on how things have changed in relation to remote working. What’s that been like for you? Oh, insane. So March of 2020 I’m driving to my next gig. I literally get there and I’m all set up. I’ve got the flip charts, I’ve got the handles everything and the HR director comes in and says, we just got a call from the CEO and effective immediately. We can’t have anybody external in the building and we can’t gather more than six people were cancelling the training. It’s funny because I’m going back this next month to do that training, within one week.

I had 19 events cancelled. We were devastated and a little – not a little, a lot freaked out. That became motivation to pivot, and we had already done a lot of virtual, but we became experts at using virtual platforms that having mental meter and jam boards and interactive and O. B. S and you know streamed all these different things that help create an experience that isn’t just sitting in a zoom room staring at somebody. And you know being able to multitask and so End of that story or I guess it’s continued the chapter we’re on now is we how in the world? I don’t know, but we had the best year that I’ve had since I launched my business to full time in 2013. And our scope has broadened because now there’s a comfort level with doing virtual. I’m a single mom. I don’t have to be on an airplane trying to figure out right quality of life is so key.

We now do business all over. I did before but we had a very high bar for me to get on a plane now it’s really easy to log in. Well, I’m interested to know whether you use your model during that time because if you get how many how many cancellations you say you get. Well for that week in March we had 19 within I think it was eight days we were tracking it. We had 19 cancellations or we’re gonna reschedule. So what’s the self-talk there. That’s it that’s the challenge, right? So when something happens we have a first thought that self-talk. I call it if that if that first thought is negative like our business is gonna we’re gonna go bankrupt. We’re never gonna make it. Oh I wish we would have all sorts of things I knew I shouldn’t have quit my quit my day job in the US Senate, whatever it is that if that talk is negative, I call it trash talk. Because everything that we do it thoughtfully fit as a metaphor for being physically fit. And certainly if you’ve gone to professional sporting events, you know that the other team is talking trash, well we also have our own internal negative trash talk.

So if those first thoughts are sabotaging, that’s where the pause is essential to think and to raise awareness. Is this thought serving me or is it sabotaging me and you raise that awareness so that you can act thoughtfully instead of having that first thought. And then and if it’s a sabotaging thought, it leads right to a sabotaging action because our thoughts always lead to our actions. I really like the trash talk because like if you were in a game and someone was trash talking you, your third. I think most people’s first thing wouldn’t be to give up, it would be okay. I’m going to go prove that person wrong. So you’re in a dialogue is essentially driving you forward, right? Yes. And having been an athlete my whole life, I will say there’s the physical training that you need to do to be able to play the sport, do whatever the physical activity want to do and then there’s the mental training to be able to have the endurance to push through.

Whether it is that, you know, like you said, if there’s a fan that’s, that’s yelling trash talk, you aren’t going to stop and go and you know, have a dialogue and tell them you are just getting more focused and you’re getting more able to control your mind in that moment because that mental is as important. Your thoughts are as important as being able to be fit or having the skills to going back to the business, having the skills to lead the team to create the bio pharmaceuticals, to do the surgery, whatever it is. Did you coach some other businesses through this timeframe? How did it go? Well, great. I’ll say that businesses have people problems. Human capital is the number one expense, and it’s the, it’s the number one benefit of being successful businesses have people problems because they have people the pandemic escalated all those people problems.

So what we were doing all of a sudden, we saw more because as you said, communications hard personalities are different now layer on top of it. Oh, we can’t see your face and your facial expressions and I have to stay 6ft apart or you’re not going to turn your camera on and zoom or were a remote team and we don’t know how to communicate all of those, maybe underlying people problems that were, there became uh probably not only more escalated, but more prevalent because there’s that added challenges that people have never dealt with and hadn’t had the ability to train for and were just thrown into very, very quickly. Have you got any extreme examples of conflict in the workplace? How much time do you have? It’s for comedic effect, more than anything. Yeah. Yes, I have an extreme example. Do you want me to give one or maybe one that comes to mind?

I mean, you know, I’ll give one short example and I literally could give a ton, that’s what we do, right, we go in and help individuals who have who have conflict or what’s getting in the way. I was coaching a cardiothoracic surgeon best in his field phenomenal and a mess because his temper and his people skills did not match and his and his bedside manner did not match his technical skills of being a heart surgeon. And so by the time they brought me in, his nurses, his PAS, his patients, they were getting complaints. It was deteriorating quickly. They were they were losing staff who were quitting and saying I’m not working with him, they were losing patience and it’s not because he wasn’t brilliant at his craft. And so that is a maybe more of an extreme example because it’s not often that somebody has this temper and that it’s just so pervasive and toxic, but in this case, it was and what’s so interesting Thomas, I was in a coaching session with him.

This was maybe a couple of couple of months in and at this point we’re doing it by phone now. I’m noticing everybody wants to do things by video, which is great. But this is pre pandemic. And I asked him a question which is what I do when I coach people and he got angry. He said, you know what Darcy, that’s it, I’m done with this. I can’t believe it, I mean just like that, I was blindsided. So talk about like, okay, pause, Darcy, just pause, think something’s happening here, what’s going on? Just stay curious. Stay calm. So, he got really angry upset and so when, when he was done, I said I’m gonna make up a name, I’ll just call him Joel. I said Joel, oh wow, I can tell you’re so angry at me right now, I get it. And if you want to end this session right now and you want to end the coaching right now. No problem. That’s absolutely fine. Having said that, I’m wondering, would you, would you be willing to stay with this for just a moment? Could we just stay here for a minute because you came into coaching because you have anger problems and right now right here, we’ve got it playing out at real time you’re so angry at me, can we just stay with this and figure out what’s going on and what triggered you and how you can move forward?

Well, okay. I mean, I think he was shocked that I didn’t get angry back and right, because that’s what normally happens. People get blindsided, they get angry, and it just deteriorates. Well, to wrap up a long story, what he uncovered was that he was a black male. He grew up in the south. He had no role models. He was the first person that would go to college, not only college, medical school and so he said what? He and this didn’t happen immediately. This was a process. He said, my, my dad, my uncles, you know, they worked blue-collar jobs and if they got mad. And they yelled, they quit their job and then they went to the next place and got a job. I don’t, I don’t have any role models on how to handle conflict. So when I get mad that’s what I learned, that’s how you handle it. You get angry, you yell and then you leave and go somewhere else and he was able to stay with it and to work through that and to change how he showed up.

I mean the organization was pleased because they were at their wit’s end. They didn’t know how else to help this person and they were ready to let him go. Conflict’s a really interesting one because it is exactly what you just highlighted? Which is it’s just what you viewed as you grew up, right? It’s not like we take conflict glasses and we know how to do it. It’s just what you watched and that’s how you do it and you say that’s accurate. Yes. And what you learn to survive in the system that you grew up in. So some people like him, that’s what he learned, others learned, keep the peace. Just do whatever you can stay quiet, stay small, don’t say anything. And they have had a different problem. So I when I’m coaching teams or individuals there’s a continuum and so on. The one end this doctor talked about high courage. No problem telling people right? That’s sort of like the high dominant on the disc profile and then you have people on the other end that are high compassion. Oh it’s okay, I’m not gonna say anything, it’s just well let it be.

And each of those in itself can be a strength have encouraged and being direct, having compassion. But our strengths taken to the extreme can become a weakness. And so oftentimes they’ve learned how to behave from growing up and they that’s what they needed to be able to survive in the environment they were in and it’s not necessarily the best skills that will help them to thrive in as an adult in their scenarios. So does that make sense? Perfect sense? Would you also use the terms agreeable versus disagreeable? Yeah. Yeah. I think I’m very interested to know what you, what your advice to those two types of people would be. I know that it’s not surface level, I know that there are some deeper stuff going on there, but if you had a few minutes with the typical, let’s say, a really disagreeable person like you mentioned and then also that person who’s on the other end of the scale, I think some sometimes it’s called conflict Averse.

So what would you say to those two types of people if you give them the best information in a short period of time? Sure. So I’m gonna take it as if I’m if I’m doing a training or workshop because if I’m coaching them, what I’m not giving any advice, coaching is all about getting curious and helping the expert in their life, unlike if I’m a mentor, I’m the expert, let me tell you what to do if I’m coaching you’re the expert. So I’m gonna answer that as if I’m the mentor, I’m in a training, I’m in a workshop, I’m teaching a skill, this in particular would fall. So there’s six practices and thoughtfully fit this falls into the practice of balance, balance is about being able to balance what you want need with what I want and need so that you can find the win in that relationship because if you’ve got that high conflict personality, they’re going to win at all costs. Even if others lose in the short term, that’s fine in the long term, it’s not the other end of the spectrum, you’ve got the person who is very conflict averse, they are going to say, oh it’s okay, I can lose, I’ll let you win.

I it’s really it’s okay. That might work in the short term, but in the long term they’re getting resentful and it doesn’t work so balance and I’ll just give the really short strategy that that that that we work on with that, it’s about three seats courage, compassion and curiosity. And if you think about it like a mixing board, like if you’re a DJ, you can turn up the bass and you can turn up the right, you can – each one is individual. So the person that already has high courage, that’s great. Keep your high courage. Now turn up the volume on the second C, which is compassion, compassion is about being able to deliver your message in a way that it can be heard. The person over here already has high compassion great. Now turn up the volume on courage so that you can say, hey I understand that’s what you need, but that doesn’t work for me. Here’s what would work for me. So those are the two seas, And then the 3rd C Is curiosity. And so it encourages about being able to say here’s what I want and need, curiosity is being able to say, okay, so I’ve had the courage to say it hopefully with compassion so that you can hear it Thomas without getting defensive or angry that I’m telling you what I want.

Need curiosity is how do you, how does that sound for you? How do you feel when I just shared that, what do you want and need? What would it look like if we had to win, win in this situation or in our relationship if we were more balanced instead of me, I was over functioning and getting resentful. How could we get to that place of balance in our relationship? I may have to use those 3Cs myself. I hope you do. And if you do let me know because I love hearing examples. I use it all the time. I’m one that falls. It’s funny because I just was talking to somebody. I had hired a consultant for my business and it doesn’t matter the details, but I wasn’t pleased. And so I reached out, and I just called and said, hey, I just wanted to touch base because I I don’t know, it just seems like the contract that, you know, you wrote up, we’re really off pace. the deliverables aren’t there? The scope is different than what you said. And I wonder if we can talk about it. We worked through it. I was thrilled where we ended with that and he came back and he said, God Darcy, you must have grown up like how much you know how direct you were and how able you were to deliver that message without me shutting down.

I wish I was that way. I said, are you kidding? I’m way over on this end with compassion. I had to learn courage, courage, courage, courage. Say what you need, say what you want to be direct. That’s not my default. My default is just keep the peace. Okay. You know what? We didn’t get what we what we contracted for. That’s a bummer. Write it off, lose that money, go hire someone else. That would be my m O that’s not good as a business owner. It’s not smart. So anyway, yes, I hope you use it. I’d be curious which city do you think is strongest and weakest for you? Interesting because, to answer the question, I have a tendency to negotiate on the other person’s behalf. So I think I’m probably quite high on the compassion scale. If you were to tell me like, you’re about to meet someone who’s really disagreeable, so you’re gonna need a lot of courage. I would be perfectly fine with that. But just the default is kind of like what you said. The default is like, I’m kind of, you know, let’s see what’s in it for you type thing. I love that negotiate on someone else’s behalf. I have never heard that phrase before. That is fantastic. Yeah. So yeah, I’ll have to think about that the next time I’m in that scenario. But you’ve got lots of different things going on. You’re a busy woman. So how if someone asks you what you do, what do you say to them? So my whole mission is to is to help people get out of their own way and to help teams and individuals accomplish their mission and to do that by being thoughtfully fit. Because when you know, just like if you’re if you’re if you’re physically fit and you the elevators out and you have to walk up five flights, you can do it right? Exercise movements easier when you’re thoughtfully fit your life is easier. It’s not that there’s not challenges and obstacles and adversity, but you handle it well.

So then you can get back to doing what you do best. You can get back to doing the mission of your organization instead of having to spend all this time and energy cleaning up the mess from overreacting from not handling yourself well in in the first place. And so we’re really our company is all about being able to help individuals, teams, organisations to increase those communication skills, increase their own self-awareness so that they can handle adversity thoughtfully and then get back to doing what they love and what they do best because the reality is life’s heart adversity hits, there’re obstacles, period elevators go out right? Uh People say the wrong thing and anger you and so being able to have the skills to handle that regardless of what it is means, you can get back to doing what you do best. The example with the doctor in that moment, I was channelling thoughtfully fit like just pause, Darcy, don’t get triggered because he was yelling at me. My heart rate went up, my face was red. I mean, he’s attacking me, he’s telling me he’s angry at me and he was angry because I kept asking him questions. He’s like Darcy, just tell me what to do. This is ridiculous. I don’t know why, right? That’s why he was angry when we when we unpacked it. So for me that if I hadn’t handled it thoughtfully, I would have lost a client right there that day. Being thoughtfully fit and I have lots of examples where I didn’t do it. Well, that’s why I know that’s how that would have ended right to pause in that moment and just think, okay, what does he need? Something is going on? How can I stay present? How can I make it safe for him to be vulnerable right now instead of lashing out and then acting from that place God, that was a long answer to your short question? Well, I was gonna say, do we add author to that particular job description as of two weeks ago? I am an author. Yes. But I also wanted to say because you mentioned thoughtfully fit and I like to ask the contrary to that.

So, other than perhaps lots of conflict, are there any other clues if you like to being thoughtfully or perhaps unfit mentally unfit? Yeah, yeah, lots of them. So the obstacles, the six hurdles, give you some clues. One of them, for instance, is, and one of the themes that I heard when I said there were like sort of researching and categorizing everybody brings similar themes. One of them is I’m so busy. I have so much to do. I can’t even think. Um, and what happens is, you know, your thoughts, something somebody says, would you share this fundraising committee? That first thought is, oh, if I say no, they’re not going to like me and you act on that first shot, instead of pausing to think is that thought sabotaging me? You’re serving me? No, they’re not gonna not like me. If I say so, that is an example where your mind gets in the way you start telling yourself stories and you say, yes, you don’t set boundaries, healthy boundaries.

And all of a sudden now you are running around like crazy and doing things for lots of other people and you aren’t sleeping well, you don’t exercise, your marriage is a mess, your kids don’t, right? Because you have not set that clear boundary and that mental mindset of, okay, okay, yep, that could be one way to look at it. They’ll be upset if I say no. And what’s another way that I could look at it? What’s another perspective? What’s another thought that might serve me and maybe then instead of acting and saying yes and being resentful and then, you know, not having free time, you act and say, you know, thank you for asking. I love your mission of this, of this organization and I love that your fundraising. I’m not in a capacity right now that I can share the committee. However, I have somebody who I know wants to do more servant leadership. I’d love to connect you with them or however, I’d love to write out a check and make a donation as your first contribution or fill in the blank lots of different ways.

There are a lot of people that need your help then. Yeah. Yeah. But then I, I think people generally speaking should have a coach if they can do that anyway. But yeah, I would imagine, would you say I’m a minority of people are thoughtfully fit. Ooh, I would say it’s a spectrum and I would say to answer that question, um, that everybody has strengths and areas that they excel and everybody has weaknesses. And so for the person who’s weaknesses, they can’t say no, they can’t set boundaries, they can’t create stillness and put themselves first. they have a strength of grit, right? The thoughtfully fit practice of endurance is being able to overcome obstacles, Being able to embrace that growth mindset. And so I would say that most people have places where they are thoughtfully fit and somewhere there more challenged and they’re not interesting.

So, tell me about the book, the book so interesting. I wanted to put this model out there in a bigger way because I work with the individuals and clients and I only have so many hours in the day. So I wanted to help others to be thoughtfully fit my vision for my company is to is to create a movement and that thoughtfully fit as a household name, Just like emotional intelligence back in the 80s when it was first created, nobody knew now everybody knows I want to help people be thoughtfully fit because our world needs it right? When you look at what’s happening here in the US at any rate. And I think globally with black lives matter and protests and the pandemic people, we need it because people disagree have different values, different opinions, different political beliefs. That’s okay. So I hired some consultants to help me write the proposal and I went to a writing retreat and at the end of the first day I said this is so good.

I think at some point in the future, I’m going to use the same process to write a memoir about how thoughtfully fit helped me in my life when it blew up in the most extreme way and the two facilitators looked at each other and then they looked at me and they’re like, yeah, that is this book. I said no, no, no, that’s not this book. This book is about the model and they’re like, no, that is this book. You just said this, this model helped you make it through a crisis? Yeah, so that is this book. it is the thoughtfully fit model. All the strategies and tools on how you are, you know, can overcome those obstacles combined and hybrid with the story of of when I needed it most and I became grown zero to test drive it. And what about the, you know, the process of it? How long did it take? And did you enjoy that or was it more of a – I always ask this – love-hate thing?

Yes, I enjoyed it tremendously and it was a little bit of love-hate because I ended up putting my personal story in there. and then there’s also case studies from clients who have used the model and where they have found success. We really wanted to figure out what’s the ark and how does the how does the story unfold? And so, you know, man’s search for meaning. if you read that the first half of the book is the personal story of Viktor Frankl’s time in the concentration camp. The second half is all of his philosophies and model. So we’re like okay, do we do my story first and then do the model? It took a lot of time on the front end to define the scope and then what are the right stories to make the point for each of these that really bring it home in a compelling way that somebody wants to read it? That was hard, you know, I mean I would have never thought taking that it would take this long to write a book and I think part of the reason it took this long is because we wanted it to be good, we didn’t want it just to be done.

Yeah, I think a lot of people probably – I don’t know, I was about to say probably people do just want it to be done just to get it done. But then I think the other, the other end of that is obviously where you take so long but it actually doesn’t get out at all, so I mean congratulations on getting it done I guess thank you. I think you’re right there, there is there is a risk of it not ever being published, but I’ll tell you when I first was starting as an author, I had a lot of colleagues who are speakers and coaches, they’re like Darcy, I wrote my book in 10 days. All you gotta do is take your iPhone, you go walk, you talk, you’d have it transcribed, you send it in and there’s like no judgment. Everybody does their own. But I knew that I really wanted a thoughtful process in writing in writing this book. And because of that 87 drafts later, this book is very, very different than if I had published it three years ago when I started it.

Yeah, I think I sort of I haven’t done the same thing because my book was kind of like a different purpose maybe because it was about something technical rather than I don’t know more what category would you say your book is in? So it’s self-help leadership is the hybrid and that it was, it hit number one new release on what category work life balance in business. Okay, I think probably what I’m getting to is for those people that do spend, let’s say years. And like you say 87 rough drafts, I have a lot of admiration for those people is basically what I’m trying to say to you but regarding – you touched upon your story and I wanted to ask as a result of adversity, do you feel like you’re stronger, more capable than you would otherwise be?

Absolutely. There is no doubt that I am stronger because of the adversity when, when my life, when my life sort of blew up in this extreme way, but also all the little things and lessons and conflict and challenges along the way that I, that I handled wrong thoughtlessly and took time to grow and learn and reflect and try a different way. that has made me stronger, a stronger business owner, a stronger coach, a stronger mom for sure, a stronger woman. So if someone is going through some tough times right now, what do you say to them? Yeah. So first thing I would say is too have hope. it was, it was, it was five years ago, it was March of 2016 and actually it was a Saturday in March when my thoughtfully fit model came alive officially all these flip charts and post-its and years of research for like this is it, Oh my God!

And hired that Monday or Tuesday, a strategic planning consultant to put it out in the marketplace. And it was five days later, it was Thursday that week that I got a phone call from my neighbour that my husband, who was a full-time stay at home dad to our two young daughters, she called and she said Darcy, what’s going on at your house? And I said, I don’t know why, I’m not home. And she said there’s 50 police cars and a SWAT team and guns. And they just took John out handcuffed and I’m like, wait that’s my husband, what are you talking about that? I mean my worst nightmare. I wouldn’t even say it wasn’t even a nightmare. I would never have had a nightmare that bad. My husband was arrested for sexual assault of a minor he had met online and he never came home. He was convicted. He is serving a federal prison sentence right now. And all of a sudden, with one phone call, I had to figure out how to be a single mom, how to run a business, how to file for divorce, how to deal with the legal system.

I had to hire my own attorney because the charges were so extreme. My attorney said, don’t talk to anybody about anything. And so I became ground zero in that time to test drive this thoughtfully fit model, and that’s what provided me my hope. So if somebody’s going through adversity, I mean, I thought at that moment life was done. I thought my girls are gonna be, you know depressed and on drugs, I’m gonna be devastated. My business is going to fold. If you can continue – and then I always go back to engaging your core pause, think, act. Something’s happened. You’ve got adversity pause, Give your think, what do I need right now. How can I get the self-care, the strength of perspective, the insight, the support to deal with this before you go act on whatever that adversity is.

Well, I did watch the news story on your website:

“Surviving life, that’s something we all try to do and when life gets tough, some turn to a life coach here in the Madison area. Darcy Luoma is one of the most recognisable names in the industry. She’s built her business from the ground up and developed her own leadership model thoughtfully fit. Little did she know that it’s what would help her navigate her darkest days when the life she knew completely crumbled.”

… and obviously I did want to check first whether you actually wanted to talk about it or not, because I kind of had a – I don’t know, I was reading into it, I didn’t know whether you if you’re going on like podcasts and stuff whether or not you’re sick and tired about talking about the same story, so I sort of wanted to check first.

You know, Thomas, you’re negotiating on my behalf, aren’t you? Thank you that for being so thoughtful. Thank you.

Well, I also wanted to say just major props, for lack of a better term, butt, you know, serious tough issues that you’re going through and you’re going from strength to strength and it’s great to see. And I guess that’s another thing that we can say to other people is that you’ve had some serious tough times and you know you’re getting through it and you’re also teaching other people how to do it, so well done.

Thank you. Yes. You know, I don’t know if you’ve read Thomas some of those stories like – and I’m going to simplify – where the person loses their leg or some major tragedy and they get interviewed later and they say I’ve never been happier. And then the person who wins the million dollars in the lottery and five years later, they have never been more miserable. It comes from within how you handle adversity. And I will say my daughters right now are thriving. I will say I have never been healthier or happier, and it wasn’t it wasn’t easy. But so for giving people hope, like, keep at it, don’t give up, keep getting perspective because you can get through it and you can be happy again.

I think you’re a good example of that. What are your goals for your business and your life?

Oh, such a good, simple, powerful question. I mean, number one, first and foremost, my goal is to be a good mom and to raise two daughters who are independent and strong and confident. They right now are 13 and 15. Last week, I don’t remember what it was, I said something to my youngest daughter, I don’t know, I was trying to like help her, trying to – whatever it was and she looked at me and she’s like, mom, you can’t raise an independent daughter and then like try to scoop in and micromanage me. I got this. I’m like, oh, oh you’re right, you got this. It was just such a wonderful moment. Like I was trying to, you know, help her fix something. She’s like, I got this. I think that trumps anything. I’d go bankrupt tomorrow if it meant that, you know, my role as a mom is strong.

Having said that, I also really have a vision with my business to be able to put the word out there. I want to do more keynotes. I love doing keynotes and being able to speak to audiences and create some level of a combination of inspiration and entertainment, but also that education so that somebody feels moved to do something just a little bit different in their life or to be able to recognise that they can choose to behave differently in a situation, they can focus on what they can control and they can get a different outcome.

I can totally see you on a Ted X stage. What do you think about that?

Yeah, I’d love that. I mean, that would be fantastic. I have not actively pursued or applied for a Ted X at this stage, but that is definitely something that is on the list. Being a single mom and running a business, there’s a lot of things on the list, right? So it’s always just prioritising. So that is on there and at some point we’ll get to the top of the list.

All right, well where is the best place for people to find you and also buy the book?

So the book is on all the, you know, Amazon and you can get all your bookstores. It’s there’s the audible, what do you call – version?

Audio book.

Thank you. The audio book. and you just search thoughtfully fit and we have so my website DarcyLoma.com. I’m on all the social media channels and then if anybody that’s listening wants to take a quiz to find out which is their biggest hurdle. You know, we talked about our people thoughtfully fit or not and I said, well it depends there are some that where they are in certain areas and aren’t they can go to thoughtfullyfit.com and there’s a short two minute quiz that will spit out here is your biggest hurdle that gets in the way of success and we’ll give you some strategies on how you can overcome that hurdle.

Okay, well, well done again. I love your enthusiasm and your model and the fact that you’re now an author all great stuff really positive and thank you very much for the value today.

Thank you Thomas. I’ve love having this conversation. You’re just so easy to talk to you and loved watching all of your previous episodes. I some on your Facebook channel and I’m grateful for the opportunity to connect with you and to connect with your audience.

Okay, Darcy. I’ll speak to you soon.

Okay. Thanks. Take care.